Reposted from March 2012
We all have our stories, every human, every horse. Can anyone say the road they have travelled has been flawless? Yet, it really is flawless, it leads you to now. Wherever now happens to be. I have to marvel at the journey, all the good the bad and ugly pieces of my world, created this place where I stand today. I can honestly say I had no thoughts as a young person that I would be living the dream life I have today. Yet in these shoes I can see how every bend and turn in the road, every steep hill or fast fall, molded my life in exactly the way I needed it to. And I am so blessed to live this life I have today.
It has taken many years to find the balance that allows me to fully appreciate and enjoy my current life. So many things to do, so many dependent lives counting on my choices. I take this responsibility very seriously, very personal. The lives that come and go can be affected or enhanced by choices I make. Not that I think it I am especially important, but if my being involved or touching the life of a horse or person in a way that causes growth or happiness, if even for an hour a week. Then I choose to make the commitment to reaching for that place. Keeping in mind that giving too much in one space might crowd other areas of life that I care very much about. It is hard not to get too focused in one place and lose track of how much other parts of my life may be suffering a lack of attention. I finally have found the perfect combination of ingredients that have created a life that not only is fulfilling but nourishes my soul. That is the key, life can feed your soul.
I have had people tell me that they envy my life, riding horses all day. No boss, no corporate ladder. At times this would bother me, I felt people had no idea how difficult my job was. Long hours, physically exhausting, not so financially easy. But in reality, I have to agree. I would not trade my saddle for a cubicle for any price. I could not imagine a life that was not this. Out in the open air, listening to the rain on my metal arena roof, the smell of fresh shavings and hay. It is happiness for me. So, maybe it is not so much that people envy my life in particular, but they envy that I have dared to try having career that I love.
I could go into long sad stories of how I came to be who I am, but my story would not be so different from so many people that walk beside you every day. Most, you would never know what they go home to. And, maybe that is best, because for a long-time people would see my pain and share their own stories. I became very disheartened in the world. I began to wonder if happiness was an illusion. I am so grateful that I grew beyond this unhappiness. And I am thankful every day for the horses. These incredible creatures showed me the way to a better life.
Some of the horses I have encountered have been rescued from less than perfect environments. Some neglected, some abused, damaged emotionally and physically. It is a heartbreaking situation that many people have made efforts to remedy. Seldom to they end up at my door without being “saved” by some well-meaning, caring, compassionate, person, trying to make a difference in the world. I applaud those who take on this endeavor. Yet the road to physical health is so much easier than the emotional damage that accompanied the existence they had endured. How does one combat the scars that can be a lifetime deep?
I carried guilt for years, not being a good enough parent, not knowing how to undo poor decisions I had made in the past. My situation left me feeling helpless. Is that an excuse? The bottom line is that my children lived with a volatile father, and for years during and after I divorced, I felt guilt. Guilt that I was unable to protect them 100%, as I was unable to protect myself and that left them without a strong mother. They had no choice in the life that was being imposed on them. I wanted to love them, to hug the pain away. I wanted to give more to prove that parents can be loving and giving. The unpredictable nature of the “family” environment left them distrusting and without a sense that happiness was a possibility. The world can feel so hopeless if you look through the wrong windows. What is real is whatever you want it to be. They were incapable of seeing that. The more I gave (love, things, freedoms) the less happy they seemed to be. Tantrums, defiance, depression…
I could see the result of this dilema, but it took a while (once I obtained freedom for myself and my children) to see how to remedy the situation. In truth the horses showed me the answer. Abused horses get spoiled by well meaning people who love and coddle them. They crave leadership. In the horses world, survival of the fittest, the herd members who were sweet and had no boundaries were the ones who were not strong enough to defend the herd against predators. Horses want to feel safe, protected. Soft, loving, weak, does not say leader or protector. I can be a loving leader, but I must be strong, clear of direction, clear of intent, unwavering in my boundaries. Once established my horses feel safe, they trust. A trusting horse will follow you anywhere. They are relaxed and content, willingly work as a team with and for me.
Loving my children enough to begin to be a strong mother was so much harder than training horses. In the arena I am confident, clear, inquisitive, can handle stressful reactions with calm action, instead of reacting emotionally. It took everything I had to learn to apply this attitude to my own children. But the difference it has made in their lives has been life changing. Whether they understand the change in me, I may never know. Today I see children who are becoming confident and happy.